TaTa Wars

Disclaimer: I am not going to be a good friend. It is not that I do not want to be a good friend. It is not that I am not doing my best. Honestly, I am just not able to be the friend I used to be. I still lecture my children "to have a friend you have to be a friend." It is true. I still believe it. Unfortunately, I just don't have it in me to be the friend I should be. I am barely able to be a good wife and mother... so, friends you'll just have to wait. Why I am a Bad Friend: 1. I do not feel good. I really don't. Things hurt. Things cramp. Things go numb. Things burn. Things swell. Things feel like baseball bats have been hitting them. I have countless problems and I never know which one is going to be my enemy each day. It is not some lame excuse to avoid doing things, I just feel bad. 2. I do not know when I am going to feel good. From the weather, to the day or hour, to whether or not I have already overdone it the previous day... I have no ide...

It has been a whole year... a whole year since I have posted anything. I guess there could have been a few options for my absence: I died. I was to busy living that I couldn't write. I was to busy trying to function that I couldn't write. I didn't want to. I ... (enter any reason you want to imagine). Apparently #1 is not true. I am obviously alive. As for the other answers, they may all be true. I can't lie and say that I have not posted anything because I have been happily busy in my back-to-normal life. I never found a good back-to-normal life. I think I just found life... or a way to function in my surviorship. Heck, I am still trying to find a way to function. Mainly I have been busy dealing with crappy side effects, children and all that they bring, as well as just trying to function. For those who have post-treatment problems, you will understand that statement. I am functioning. Some days I function well... and other days, let's just say I am...

I finally... and by finally, I mean FINALLY went to the pain management doctor. I truly dreaded this doctor's appointment. It was not because I have anything against pain medication or doctors or the stigma that all of that entails. It was because it was like admitting defeat. It was the fact that I had gone through all my options and I was still not well. I felt like some of my hope (the hope that I would get back to normalcy on my own) was gone... for now. The pain management clinic was like any other doctor's office. Though it had one of those red number dispensers that you get when you have to wait in line. It was crowded, but wow! The office was full of all types of patients. There were old people, young people, well dressed people, not well dressed people. And then there was me... with my 8 year of daughter. I felt like mom of the year! It was not like I have not taken my daughter on a number of doctor's appointments and she has seen more medical procedures p...

Zap. Zap. Zap. I am sitting here looking at my computer realizing months and months have passed and I am getting further behind on catching up and I really need to. It is fall break (yeah... it's October and I am writing about May). Maybe over this week I will finally get everything right back up to speed so that you can see that my roller coaster of a life is still as entertaining... for those reading and watching... maybe not as much living!!! Travel back to May with me.... So, I just finished my mammogram and they told me I was fine - which is what I wanted to hear. With all the nervous system problems that I have been dealing with they sent me to a nerve study to rule out all the big issues. I mean in general these test are for ALS, MS, and other nerve illness that I was not worried about (as of yet), so these were doctors sending me as precautionary... yeah!!! Why not? I mean chemo was not the cause... it could not be the cause... really???? I have never seen doctors...

Time for me to play catch-up... Like any person who lives in this world of doctors and illness and cancer and life, there comes a point when you need a mental break from it all. After a series of unexpected, uncontrollable, and unbelievable events... I had my fill. Of course I did not truly get a break or even time off from the craziness... I just took time off from writing about it all. So now, I am back... I am back to share the roller coaster ride with those who are willing to ride along and think "I am so glad that is not me." or for those unfortunate readers "Crap... I am not alone." So, let's pretend it is the beginning of May, I had gone to Vandy in search of some answers. When I got back home I followed up, like I was told, with my Breast Surgeon about that weird lump in my left breast. Since my mammogram was scheduled for June 1st, they rescheduled it for May. I was going to have my mammogram done early with an isolated ultrasound to look at ...

Episode CXVI - I felt so good like anything was possible I wanted a comprehensive look at my cancer side effects. I wanted someone, somewhere to actual look at all my scans, tests, and reports as one collective cohesive sum. I was tired of multiple specialists doing one thing and then sending me to someone else to handle something else. It seemed no one taking my whole health into account other than my family doctor. So, like normal... I was going to be my own advocate and search for my own answers.

Episode CXV - has got me by my soul to squeeze I was never warned. No one talked about lymphedema. I never really understood what it truly was until I was diagnosed. I am not even sure all my medical providers understand it. How do I expect others to know? How can I help others understand it? It is every second of every minute of every day...