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May the 4th be with you!

It has been a whole year... a whole year since I have posted anything.

I guess there could have been a few options for my absence:

  1. I died.
  2. I was to busy living that I couldn't write.
  3. I was to busy trying to function that I couldn't write.
  4. I didn't want to.
  5. I ... (enter any reason you want to imagine).

Apparently #1 is not true. I am obviously alive. As for the other answers, they may all be true.

I can't lie and say that I have not posted anything because I have been happily busy in my back-to-normal life. I never found a good back-to-normal life. I think I just found life... or a way to function in my surviorship. Heck, I am still trying to find a way to function.

Mainly I have been busy dealing with crappy side effects, children and all that they bring, as well as just trying to function. For those who have post-treatment problems, you will understand that statement. I am functioning. Some days I function well... and other days, let's just say I am just hoping to get by.

I am not sure why the doctors say that you will go back to normal. When I heard that comment I believed it. (Of course, this was before I lived it.) I thought I will do what I need to do and then six months or so afterwards (which is what he said) I will be my "normal" again. What a load of crap!

Maybe that sounds harsh. However, it is hard to understand unless you have endured and pushed and struggled through all the treatments, tests, side effects... which happens not only throughout treatment, but post treatment too. It really does not end. You cannot go back to normal. You have to find a way to live in the abnormal that is now your body and your life.

When I think about who I was before cancer, it was someone who was matched to her age. I acted and felt my age. I was 38 and acted/felt 38ish. When I think about who I am now, it is someone who's age does not match the body. I am 41 and act/feel 70ish.

As you roll your eyes and think "yeah, sure... she' exaggerating", know I am not.

The sad thing is there are valid reasons as to why I feel the way I do. Just like many survivors. I could list all the side effects from chemo, surgeries, radiation... as well as hormone therapy treatment, menopause, lymphedema, chemo-induced neuropathies, bone degeneration in spine, nerve damage, and many other latin-termed medical ailments I have, but that would be boring and tedious.

Let's just say I don't get a day off from pain or problems. Usually, I don't get a minute off. Just as many of those like me, I am living in a body that never went back to normal.

Oddly, I have been living the past year almost repeating the same problems I had the previous year. I have begun to see patterns and am trying new ways to cope with those issues. I guess in my desperate need to function, I am trying to cheat my own body. I am trying to fool myself.

My body is not normal. My body is not even my friend. However, it is the body I have.

Basically, I have continued to find a way to live in the craziness of cancer... and it is exhausting. I guess #2-4 (possibly #5) are correct. Honestly, I did not have the time or energy to write. So at first, I just got behind. Then winter hit... and like many, I cannot function in winter. It created a need to play catch up in my life from not doing what I needed to do over winter... which I am still in the midst of doing!

I am sure I will go back and add some posts of the many test, biopsies (yes, those have happened), procedures, & other events of the past year. I always feel like it is good to share, as a way to connect, learn, and educate. To know there is someone else in the world having similar struggles, issues, or joys.

You are definitely not alone in your abnormal new normal!

(Feel free to give your own fun, interesting, & appropriate responses
for my #5 reason in the comment section below!)


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