Vol. 4.1 - It's My Body, Hair
Body image! How a woman feels about herself affects her sexuality. Feeling beautiful and have self-confidence leads to better sex.
Body Image: Hair
One of the first questions people ask is, "Are you going to loose your hair?" The bald head is difficult for some women. And it is easy to understand why... just watch TV long enough and you will see ladies with their long luscious hair. Flipping it one way and then another.
We have had outside sources telling us for years that hair helps define the perception of a beautiful woman.
We all can say (and deep-down know) that beauty is way more than hair. BUT there is an actual feeling of loss as the your locks hit the floor. It is scary. It is empowering. It is loss. Sure you tell yourself: you don't have to pay for products or even shaving supplies for that matter... and showers are really quick. Yet, losing your hair is hard.
Women spend years and a lot of money on hair. We spend hours prepping and primping trying to look our best. Hair cuts. Hair color. Hair products. Hair accessories. We have worked hard to figure out what we think makes us attractive. Not just for our partners, but for ourselves.
With cancer, everything changes. We have to redefine our sense of beauty... and realize we have a new aesthetic... a new beauty.
Of course, we know beauty comes from the inside. We hear that as children. We say that to our kids. Beauty comes from within. However, that does not help when you stand in the mirror and just don't feel beautiful!
Approach: Knowing what bothers you
There is no one way to cope. However, one option is to control what you can.
Whether it is choosing to wear a wig or hat - or showing your baldness off - it is a decision unique to each women. We need to support whatever decision a woman makes. For me, wigs were itchy, hot, and work. Essentially, I'm too lazy to wear a wig. I opted to own my bald look (see my hair loss process here) and wear hats when I had a cold head!
However, I must admit looking at wigs was fun. Take some time to go wig shopping, bring a friend, laugh... even if you do not buy one it can fun. Now is the time to try the color or cut you never would have tried before. Why not? Have fun with it!
But the hair on your head isn't all... I never looked sick until I lost my eyebrows. Seriously, those tiny hairs made a huge difference in my look. Even now, people only comment that I look well when I use eyebrow pencils. So, sometimes we have to use what we have... meaning a bit of make-up. Of course, this isn't a cure... it's a fix!
If you are feeling unattractive then take a little time to draw on your face, grab your favorite hair or hat (or shine your head), and get yourself in your favorite outfit to help you feel attractive. Heck, make a date night out of it since you are looking so good!
Sometimes you just have to feel beautiful, especially if you're not feeling beautiful. We have to find a way to own our new self! You may be surprised how owing your look makes you feel sexually attractive. And feeling attractive will help with your desire.
Approach: Positive Self-Talk
Treatment changes the way you look. It is inevitable. It is important to tell yourself you look good. You especially need to tell yourself how beautiful you are when you feel unattractive.
Our attitude will enforce our mindset. If we are looking at our face in the mirror - examining every change, every flaw - we will tell ourselves how ugly we are. We all do it! I know I did it before, during, and after treatment. However, I know I have to re-tell myself that I am beautiful while I look in the mirror constantly.
Some days it is harder to listen to myself. I literally will have an internal dialogue... where I am over-talking my negative thoughts. I have to remind myself that I am unique. I may not be attractive to you or others, but I am uniquely me. You're uniquely you - and it is beautiful.
The thing is, our self-perception is important to our sexual health. We can inhibit our own desire by feeling unattractive. It is our self-esteem, how we see ourselves, which can either improve or lessen our sexual pleasure.
Approach: Talk about It
Body image affects sexual satisfaction! However, addressing how you look can be hard... especially, if you are naturally sensitive about it right now.
This can be a touchy subject. Your partner can sense how you feel about yourself... and they do not know what to say. They may be afraid that whatever they say will be misunderstood. And maybe, they have said the wrong thing... or you heard it the wrong way. Either way, miscommunication can create you or them to stop talking completely.
It is important to share your insecurities with your partner, as well as things they can say to help you feel beautiful. Remember, they cannot read your mind. They may need to know things they can say that will support you feeling attractive. Tell them. Seriously, tell them what you need to hear. That means tell them what to say and don't think they don't mean it when they say it to you... they want you to feel beautiful too.
Something as simple as hair can affect the way we see ourselves. It can affect our sex life. It can make us retreat from feeling loved or loving ourselves.
Even now, I have hair issues to deal with. Hair regrowth is not always a positive experience. I went through months of mange... seriously... my head was covered in patches that remained hair free. I now face thinning, odd textured hair. Others may not notice the changes, but I do. I deal with it daily... every morning when I brush my hair.
And I look into a mirror and see someone unlike me. I still lack eyelashes and eyebrows... or I have just enough to notice them and just few enough to still look sick. It seems shallow and small, but it matters.
I have heard others say, "You should be happy. At least it grew back." Maybe I should be happy, but I'm not. I'm disappointed. I miss my old hair. But even with my new locks - I am coming to grips with my new self. I'm having to accept me. I am looking in mirrors and focusing on what I like and telling myself I am beautiful.
No matter if you are bald, manged, or in re-growth I hope you look at yourself and tell yourself you are beautiful! I hope you believe it!