Episode CXII - buns up kneeling wheeling and dealing
Why would any human being schedule a vaginal exam and sigmoidoscopy on the same day? Are they completely idiotic? Possibly. However, when they are the only days you can get and you are told you have to go, you take it. You drop your drawers and you take it!
The last minute scheduling of both was due to unexpected issues. My lower region has decided to go haywire. My front was acting unusual. I had no weird symptoms, but I was leaking. My back was acting unusual, it was bleeding. So basically, I had issues both holes and they had been going on for a while. Not only did I get the DP today, I still had my nasal endoscopy on Thursday... I was getting it from both ends this week!!!
Making the best of it...
To start this medical nightmare of a day, I showered. There was no way that I was going to go to the Gyno without showering. It was bad enough that I was going for an appointment about discharge. There was no way I was going to be unclean. I think most women feel this way. When people are going to check the lady parts out, we want them clean!
When I got to the office I did my normal waiting routine. Gyno offices take a long time. All those people out there having babies... taking up time...
On the way back to the room, I requested a urine culture. It was not that I was expecting an infection, but I wanted them to be sure. I was glad I asked, as they found some white blood cells in the urine. That is usually due to an infection, but they would send it off to be sure. There was no need for any medication as my family doctor had seen me yesterday and prescribed me an antibiotic due to some complaints about my lymph nodes in my right underarm area. So, either way... I got it covered.
Step one completed... peed in cup!
My Gyno is so funny. She cracks me up and makes every visit easy, which is a good
since she is all up in my business!!! As she was performing the exam she loudly says, "You have a yeast infection and it is a mess up in there." Words every woman wants to hear.
I had an internal yeast infection, so I had no typical symptoms. No burning. No itching. No real way to know... other than my intuition and realization that my leaking was not normal. Listen to your bodies people!!!
Step two completed... exam complete!
I left with a prescription to treat the yeast infection. And since I am "unusual" (she said it) I was given me extra dosages. She knows me too well.
By the time I made it home it was time to prep for the sigmoidoscopy. Yeah! I can not imagine why they need a cleaned out back end. So, I was suppose to use two enemas before the procedure. One at least 2 hours before and one 1 hour before. They recommended two, so I did three over the period of the time... I am "unusual".
TMI... It happened!
Step Three... expelled bowels!
I arrived at my 1 pm appointment ready and willing to make the experience
The minute she looked at my chart and told me his name, I felt ridiculous for forgetting. However, I have so many doctors now and so many appointments I honestly could not remember. Plus, my brain has not returned from treatment and the other medications are not helping. Sure... that's what it is!!!
I made a bunch of inappropriate comments. Duh! There is no way I could not make jokes all day. I mean they are going in my bum. I am not going to be medicated. It is a raw rear-entering examination.
Flexible Sigmoidoscopy... thank goodness it's flexible!
The entire procedure is odd. First off, you are awake, naked, and talking to the doctor throughout the exam. A narrow tube goes up your rear and the images are displayed on a large (and I mean large) television right in front of you to see the entire process. The entire process!
Step Four... make excessive inappropriate jokes!
Sometimes there is still unexpected things that happen. No matter how prepared you are, there can be moments that surprise you. And well, I was unprepared for the visual images that will forever float in my brain prior to the internal pictures I was prepared to see.
The camera on the thin tube is turned on before entering. Basically, I got a view of my butt... then my butt cheeks being spread... then my rectum... and then... he's in...
When my giant bottom was up on the TV for everyone to see all I kept thinking was I hope I cleaned well, as there was no time to shower after the last enema.... please... please... let me have wiped my very best. I had, but either way too late!!!
The trek up the intestines to the sigmoid colon is right in front of your face in theater sized images. The tube will climb and you will see water flush off any residue. And thankfully there is very little (thanks 3 enemas). It is surprisingly very pink! Then it happens... there is one point where you are told, "this is going to be uncomfortable."
Anyone who really has done anything medical knows that means it is going to hurt. In the exam, there is a point when they have to make a turn... and that means they keep at it until they make the turn. It was not the worst pain, but it was not fun.
Step five... remain calm!
Of course, I suggest long deep breathing. It really helps with the continued climb through the large intestines. Trust me they are going to make their way there whether you like it of not. Breath.
Throughout the exam the nurse and doctor will repeatedly ask you if you are alright... well, nooo!
Step six... lie... this is all ok!
After the tube reaches the top, it move backwards slowly and the doctor really examines everything. I got to see my diverticula (which really are pouches in the lining). That was pretty cool. Then we made our way back even further and we got towards the rectal area. There was a hemorrhoid, fine. But there was an area that was inflamed. It was red and irritated and swollen. The skin was not nice and pink. He decided to take a few biopsies. Snip. Snap.
I watched as he took three samples from my intestinal lining. It looked like large metal tongs cutting out my skin. Then there was bleeding. There should have been a disclaimer...
Step seven... exam finished!
It is not the worst experience I have had. I have endured far worse, so the minimal discomfort and awkwardness is something that does not phase me anymore. I was just glad to be done with it. And for me, it looked like I was inflamed for some reason which was causing the bleeding (and the hemorrhoid probably did not help). But overall, well overall... I looked pretty good. I was a bit tired, even worn out.
But medical DP will do that to a girl!!!
Step eight... do nothing!
In my head...
Episode Reference: Dinah-moe Humm, Frank Zappa song
(too foul to post here!)