Episode LXXII - Howdy Ho...
Well it was finally time for the dreaded colonoscopy prep. I had spent the past few days limiting my food to a specific list which was basically designed to be items that would be less likely to get all caught up in the digestive tract. Boring! I even went to the awesome local arts festival and had to restrain myself from red beans n' rice... my favorite!!!! Really, I seriously could have gone for some red beans n' rice.
So, I had managed to eat minimally for the past few days and now I was resigned to my clear liquid diet. More Boring!
Can we say multiple bowls of chicken broth?
I was hungry, but that was to be expected. I was definitely making the family go out to eat so I would not have to prepare or smell any food. However, it was not the lack of food that was going to be the issue... it was the actual laxative drink that I was going to have to down both during the evening and morning that was going to be challenging.
The dreaded colon prep!!!
Of course nothing in my life ever goes as planned, so how could a normally horrible experience get any worse... maybe if there were tornado warnings going off around you! Seriously, there were tornado sirens blazing throughout the night. I did receive a call from the doctor offering me the chance to reschedule my colonoscopy. No way! I had already deprived myself of those red beans n' rice!!! There was no way I was going to endure another 3 or 4 days of prepping.
I kept my appointment and got on with the dreaded MoviPrep. First mistake, I did not ask what flavor they gave me. Big mistake... always ask what flavor. I was given Lemon-Lime. Sure, that sounds appealing and Sprite-like, but since chemo I hate lemon. I don't even want lemon in my water... ever. So, now I was going to endure an hour of drinking lemon flavored poop-juice.
I was given two very large containers to last me for two different prep times. I had one hour to complete the first container. I followed the instructions and put luke warm water into the container and shook it until it was dissolved. Then I tried to drink it. I tried. It was foul. Seriously, like a warm bad tasting alka seltzer....
I finally had to go get a cup and divide the drink into sections. I had 15 minutes to complete each portion of the container. I tried chugging it... HA. I would highly advise against trying to chug colon prep drink. It does not work and you usually end up swallowing a bit of your own vomit too.
I tried holding my nose. That was slightly better so I kept that up throughout the whole hour. I would advise that you hold your nose longer than just the sip because the odor of the drink lingers until the cup is out of nose view.
I drank. I drank. I drank. I wandered around stating how much I disliked the prep. I drank. I drank. I drank. I did my best not to vomit. I drank. I drank. I drank. I repeated that cycle. I kept waiting for the urge to go to the bathroom - I was prepared...
All the essentials...
The tummy rumbling finally happened somewhere during the last few gulps of Moviprep. And that last swig came right back up and into my drinking cup... meaning I was done. I was not going to re-swallow that last bit. Eww. I was done... at least with the drinking.
Eventually, I started. Nothing like sitting on the potty for hours until your butt-checks go numb. Apparently it was not just a leg thing, bottoms can go numb too.
In my head...
I really, really dread drinking more Moviprep in the morning. I cannot imagine spending another hour holding my nose, trying not to vomit, and swallowing that drink. Thank goodness for an odd sense of humor. I seriously kept reminding myself of how truly funny the night will seem... later.
My Colon Prep 3 Nados...
1. Tornado in Area
2. Sharknado on Netflix
3. Poopnado on Toilet
“Humor is mankind's greatest blessing.”
- Mark Twain
Episode Reference: South Park's Stick of Truth - Mr Hankey clip
Clip is definitely NOT appropriate for all people!!!